SHUTTING DOWN SHAME: Destigmatizing Birth Parents

Rose Letsinger

At Choice Adoptions

We believe no one should be judged for their life circumstances, and we think it is important to tackled the stigmas surrounding birth moms specifically.

At Choice, we support birth parents, no matter what they are going through. We offer 24/7 support for birth parents that extends after placement of their child. Our advocates work directly with people who are pregnant to help them navigate all of their choices. We can help with needs such as housing, medical care, counseling, and access to resources. We believe that every birth parent deserves this support and a right to knowing their choices.

The Stigma 

Birth parents often face societal stigmas that can lead to feelings of shame and isolation. This can come from societal expectations for women, misunderstandings, or personal judgement from individuals in the birth parent’s life. A lot of this shame and stigma surrounds unplanned pregnancies and life circumstances of birth parents. Whether dealing with addiction, housing insecurity, poverty, abuse, or just struggling with the realities of an unplanned pregnancy, your experiences and feelings are valid.

Shame

So how do we break these stigmas? The first step is understanding shame and the powerful role it plays in its relationship to stigma. The reason stigmatization has so much power is because of how it makes us feel. 

Therapist and researcher Brené Brown defines shame as “the feeling you get when you believe that you’re not worthy of anyone caring about you or loving you—that you’re such a bad person that you can’t even blame other people for not caring about you.” For birth parents, this shame often stems from the very stigmas we aim to dismantle. A birth parent struggling with addiction, for example, may internalize the belief that they are unworthy of love because of the hold the substance has on them, carrying deep shame as a result.

Brown also describes shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” So how do we combat this?

To challenge shame, we must first challenge the stigmas that feed it. And to challenge stigma, we must talk about it. We must name it, share our experiences, and create space for others to do the same.

The connection between shame and stigma is clear. Sigma breeds shame, and shame keeps stigma alive. We’re here to make this clear – everyone feels shame and everyone struggles. 

Which brings us to our next step: normalization. 

Normalize It

“The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.” 

- Brené Brown

Now that we understand why stigma matters and its effects, we can begin to combat it. Of course a huge step in this process is accepting yourself and working through the shame, but the way we make change in society is by talking about these things. When we continue to be silent on taboo issues, we let them gain even more power. When we speak up, they lose their hold on us.

So let’s normalize the birth parent experience.

Normalize It: Unexpected Pregnancy

• 46% of pregnancies are unplanned - NIH

• Unintended pregnancy rates are highest among low-income women, women aged 18–24, and cohabiting women and women of color. This is compared to unexpected pregnancy rates tending to be lowest among higher-income women, white women, college graduates and married women. - Guttmacher

Normalize It: Addiction

• 1 in 20 women use substances during pregnancy (but this number is likely much higher due to lack of reporting) - March of Dimes

Normalize It: Mental Health 

• 1 in 5 U.S. adults experience mental illness each year - NAMI

• “Maternal mental health (MMH) conditions are the MOST COMMON complication of pregnancy and birth, affecting 800,000 families each year in the U.S.” - MMHLA

Normalize It: Housing Insecurity 

• One in five homeless women are pregnant at any given time, almost twice the rate of the general population (a London study showed that is was even up to a quarter) - NIH

• While 10 percent of women in the US were pregnant in 2009, 50 to 60 percent of homeless women were pregnant. - NIH

Normalize It: Single Moms

• 40% of all live births in the US are to single mothers - My Safe Harbor

• 90% of welfare recipients are single mothers - My Safe Harbor

• Roughly 4 out 10 children are born to unwed mothers - Single Mother Guide

The best way to fight stigma and shame is realizing that you are not alone. The first step is to normalize the conversation. When we treat these topics as natural and valid, we begin to demystify them. By continuing to speak up and refusing to treat these issues as taboo, we strip them of their power. And as the stigma fades, so does the shame.

Shutting Down Shame – Next Steps

The next step in shutting down shame is to have open, honest conversations. We need to speak about these issues as if they aren’t rare—because, as the statistics show, they’re not. If these experiences are so common, why should they be treated as unspeakable? The more we talk openly and without judgment, the more we break down stigma, foster understanding, and help create a society where no one feels ashamed for who they are or what they’ve experienced.

How Choice Can Help

If you find yourself in any of the situations mentioned in this post, know that you are not alone.

Choice Adoptions can connect you with an advocate who will support you every step of the way.We empower birth parents to make the best decisions for themselves and their children without pressure. Our advocates lead with compassing, serving as a listening ear, a personal cheerleader, and a steady guide through what can be an incredibly challenging time.

We’re here to help you feel confident, supported, and never alone in your journey.

Click here to connect with an advocate today.

24/7 support line: 503-550-9310